Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
