There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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