Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
