Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
