Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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