***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
