I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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