we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
