Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
