My liver just broke up with me...
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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