You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
