did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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