We won't sleep together?
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
