Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
