The maid of honor just puked.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
