Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
