Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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