so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize