And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
