Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize
