Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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