I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
someone owes me an orgasm
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
