margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
