WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i dont even know how to be here
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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