im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
