Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
