I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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