it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
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