what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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