You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
