We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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