So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Randomize
