you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
