just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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