Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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