i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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