Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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