He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
