how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
