Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
