i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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