he looks like a really good dad on facebook
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
