I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
