She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
