You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
