I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
