I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Randomize
