yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
