I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
