Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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